I May Have to Rethink My Entire Life

Have you ever seen the movie “Something to Talk About” with Julia Roberts and Dennis Quaid? It’s set in the South, and one part of the movie has always stuck out of me.  (But apparently it didn’t stick out for the thousands of YouTubers out there as I couldn’t find a clip, but I found this one, and it pretty much sums up the entire movie!)

The scene: a group of Southern Ladies are sitting in a room having their Junior League meeting and discussing the annual cookbook fundraiser.

• (Junior League President) On to the business of our centennial cookbook.  Wee want it to be our best… so I’ll ask our committee chairman to bring us up to date.
• (Committee chairwoman) Deadline for recipe submissions is the second.  Think about substituting vegetable shortening wherever it says lard.  I say this because Nell McGee’s husband is recovering from heart surgery.  Lucy’s going to take over for me until after the Grand Prix.  That’s it.
• (Committee member)-Names
• (another committee member)-Right
• (Committee chairwoman) The committee thinks that… Well, we’ve looked at a lot of other cookbooks.  We’ve always been listed with our married names under the recipes.  Frankly, the practice of excluding our first names looks outdated.  So, I think we should list our names: First, middle and last.  That’s all.
• (Edna) I’ve always thought the way it was looked quaint.
• (Edna’s friend) It doesn’t look quaint Edna, it looks antiquated.
• (Edna’s other friend) What about tradition? If my name isn’t there as Mrs. Frankin J. Caldwell III… then how the hell is anybody gonna know who I am? Barbaranelle Caldwell, who’s that?

It cracked me up, because there are some traditions that took longer to break, down here in the South, than others.  Even my mom mentioned the other day that when she was first married, she signed Mrs. John Doe, instead of Mrs. Jane Doe.  So even in my life time, it was not uncommon for that practice!

I always assumed when I got married, I would take my husbands name, it’s just what is done.

Then life happened.

I became a single mother and enrolled my kid in school.  And realized that life was so much easier having the same last name.  And I have worked very hard for my last name.  I’ve been in the same industry for almost 20 years, everyone knows me by my last name.  There is no way I want to change that – nor have a different last name than my son.

I mentioned at a lunch meeting the other day, that should I get married, at this point, I’d keep my last name.  I’d consider the hyphen, but that would just be to compromise.  I’d want to keep my name professionally.

Imagine my surprise when he immediately said “I couldn’t marry someone that wouldn’t take my name.”

Really?  Like for real?

Huh.

That was interesting, and he is a younger guy, a new generation, I assumed he would be more progressive than that.

Which led me to a conversation with a good friend, and we were discussing marriage, as he’s in a committed relationship, but isn’t looking to get married – but his girlfriend is! I brought up my lunch conversation from a few days prior, and darned if he didn’t immediately have the same reaction!

He could totally see why I’d keep my last name on the professional side.  And he understood wanting to save the hassle and having the same last name as Mr. T.  But he, too, couldn’t marry someone who wouldn’t take his name.

So, I brought up the hyphen.

To which a visceral response happened! He said that he didn’t know why, and he couldn’t control it, but the moment he saw a woman with a hyphenated last name, his first thought was “b$t@#”.

He couldn’t explain it, it was just his automatic response.

So, I asked, but then would you be willing to adopt Mr. T? Because that has to be a valid reason, and he said “Of course, in a heart beat a kid like him I’d adopt.”

Okay, so that’s totally where I expected the hurdle to be, but adoption was a non-issue.

The not-changing-my-name, however, was a deal breaker.

Now, before you shake your head and think I’ve lost my mind, I recognize that some of my issues are really non-issues at this point.  Mr. T is older, and so having the same last name for school and medical reasons doesn’t really apply anymore, but when he was younger, it was pretty legitimate!

I just love those moments when you get an insight into the other side of a thought! I had been so sure of my path until those two conversations – and now, well now I get to rethink!

Reverse Father’s Day

Father’s Day is coming up.

I know I had to tell you that because you’ve probably missed the hundreds of ads letting you know that your dad needs new BBQ tools, or that this tie is perfect for your little one to give – and nothing beats the WORLDS BEST DAD coffee mug.

The tie Mr. T gave me for Father’s Day one year.

This time of year also gets me thinking about Father’s Day in reverse.  I look at my son, and the man I am raising, and wonder what kind of father he will be.  Being a single mother, have I given him the skills necessary to transition into fatherhood?  While this question doesn’t haunt me, I will admit that I’ve given it some thought.

And, I’ve made plenty of phone calls to my male best friends.

“Is it supposed to do THAT?”

“How does that thing work?”

“Okay, how do I know what cup size to buy him?!? And are there instructions?”

“How do you shave?”

“Is this normal??”

As Mr. T has grown, I’ve learned that Yes, it is supposed to do that, Yes, it is normal and that the athletic cup isn’t as scary as I thought!

Now that Mr. T has hit the teenage years, he’s no longer content with a can of shaving cream and a fake razor.  For the past year he’s been closely monitoring his peach fuzz.

“Mom, feel this. I think it’s getting rougher.”

Or “Mom, look, you can see that some of the hairs are darker.”

Or the ever popular “Uh Mom, you need to shave, your mustache is darker than mine!”

Sadly, he was right on that one.

And this year, he finally got to break out the razor and shaving cream.  Now I get updates on how the shave goes.

“Mom, I think I’m always going to shave in the shower, it makes it easier.”

“Mom, can you bring my shaving cream and razor to the school, I think I need to shave before my performance.”  (No joke, this was yesterday’s phone call!  I explained that the pancake makeup would cover any stubble, not make it more pronounced.) (And really, his stubble after 3 days of not shaving is still not as bad as my stubble after 1 day of not shaving!!)

Sorry, that last bit was probably TMI.

Moving on…

A few months ago, he discovered the Dollar Shave Club, because apparently I wasn’t doing a good enough job in keeping him supplied with razors! It worked out though, because this kid is in heaven.

He gets online, places his order and sets up the delivery schedule.  I always know when a package is due because he starts to volunteer to go check the mail!

This was a win/win situation.  I don’t have to remember to pick up razors, and my son gets an easy way to learn how to manage his money and subscriptions.  But, wait – there’s more!

This is the inspiration for the post!  This is what got me thinking about Father’s Day in reverse.

It’s the end of the school year, and we were cleaning out Mr. T’s back pack.

His very manly backpack, custom made for him by a soldier on tour overseas.  It’s his favorite bag and he’s carried this guy for years.  And guess what I found in the side pocket?

One Wipe Charlies! I looked at him and he looked at me.  I looked at him some more and he goes “What? The toilet paper at school is so rough – these are much better!”

All of the sudden that little seed of doubt I’d been carrying around vanished.  Not only can my kid shave, he’s discovered how to make his life easier.

Yep, he’ll be just fine as he grows up, and this Father’s Day I’ll give myself a pat on the back!  And then I’ll upload our photos from camping and discover a dozen duck lip selfies on my phone!

PS – this post contains affiliated links, because Mr. T told me after I post this that he can get a credit if anyone orders based on him.  Naturally, I had to change my link for him! And, I think I should disclose that to you!

Everything Happens for a Reason

As I mentioned in Opening Opportunities, a random conversation at lunch set in motion a huge series of events.  While I was feeling at peace with the decision, it was still a big decision.

I did track down Mr. T’s father.  He did acknowledge me and told me he would call last weekend.

He never called.

Tuesday night I took a deep breath and told Mr. T.

ME:  So, I found your dad.

T: Yeah?

ME:  It was on a professional networking site, I messaged him and gave him my email and cell phone.  He did text me back that he would call over the weekend.

T: (hopeful look on his face)

ME: He didn’t call.  I’m so sorry.  I wanted to just tell him about the random conversation at lunch the other day, and the fact that when I mentioned it to you that you were amicable to talking to him.  I was going to get his permission to give you his number and then you could contact him when you were ready.  I’m so sorry, but he didn’t call – I guess that is a sign that he’s not ready.

T: That’s okay mom, I’m glad that we tried.

ME:  I’m so sorry.  But at least we’ve given him the opportunity – like all of the others – maybe one day he’ll be ready.

T:  Mom, really, it’s okay, you don’t have to keep apologizing.

What a blessing I have in my son!  He’s a great kid and my heart breaks on his behalf.  Of course, I’m probably more worried and upset than he is!  Now, because I love him so much, you get to be treated to a few pictures of him!