Reblog: Then He Kissed the Back of my Hand

Apparently I found the limit on the number of times WordPress will let you reblog one of your own blog posts… Today is the 3rd anniversary of my baby brother’s passing, and so I took some time this morning to re-create the story to share, spend some time with my own thoughts, and just reaffirmed how fast life can change and how important it is to stop and spend time in the moment.

Love you all, and now back to the story.

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My parents always knew that they wanted to have 2 kids and to adopt.  So, after me and my sister, they began looking to adopt.  They wanted to adopt a special needs kid, provide a home to a child that might be overlooked.  They were aware of their own limitations and knew that they wanted a child with a physical handicap.  We took sign language classes together for a while when we thought we were getting a deaf sibling.  That fell through and in the end, we found out about Lee.  Lee had a little red triangle that appeared on his forehead above his nose when he cried and got upset.  The Koreans considered that a handicap.  It was meant to be!

<a Lee at Universal Studios, he’s so strong, he is lifting up the A-Team Van with one hand!

His Korean name is Man Ho Ha and we picked him up from Dallas airport when he was 6 months old.  He was ours from the time he was a month old, but we couldn’t get him until he was 6 months old.  It was amazing.  A Korean woman had traveled with him and several other babies and dropped them off at other stops, and Lee and one other child, a little girl, were her last stop.  We passed him around our arms while at the airport and just couldn’t keep our eyes or hands off of him.  It was a memory that will always stay with me.

He was named Jayman Lee.  Jayman is spelled slightly different from normal so that we could incorporate his Korean name in there – and Lee is a family name.  We just called him Lee.

Through the years, as a good older sister does, I tormented him! I curled his hair and my other sister dressed him up.  Good Times!  Since there is 10 years difference between he and I, we were pretty close.  When he got older, I always took him school supply shopping.  We had season passes to Six Flags for many years.  Apparently, when he and I were younger, I thought I was also his mom.  He would bring home papers from school that were subpar and needed a parents signature, in order to keep him out of trouble I would sign his papers.  Then mom and dad would never know that he didn’t do well.  Yeah, uh, they found out anyway.

It was 10 months ago that he was diagnosed with viral cardiomyopathy.  You have followed my journey with him here on my blog.  After the initial diagnosis, he did good.  We had a few set backs, but overall, he was doing really well managing the condition.  We did have a few scares along the way, but he always pulled through.  In fact, our aunt commented at a family function “you don’t look sick.”  Yeah, she’s that aunt.

Lee’s Senior Picture

A little over a month ago he started not feeling very well.  His meds were adjusted, but he knows is body, and he knew when it was time to go to the ER.

He never left the hospital again.

This kid was amazing.  He took everything that was thrown at him.  We didn’t think he would survive the gallbladder surgery, but he did.  Then he was transferred to UT Southwestern, which is one of the best hospitals for cardiovascular issues.  He seemed to be getting better, but then stopped.  I can’t tell you how many times we were told “he may not make it through the night” but he did.  When he went in for his LVAD surgery, again, we knew he might not survive, but against the odds, he did.  I’m so very proud of my brother for all that he went through and how well he handled it.

There was a Tuesday that I went to visit him in Dallas.  He took my hand and held it.  He told me how much he loved me and how glad he was that I was his sister.  He said that he knows how much crap I put up from him over the years and he was so glad that I was always there to support him.  He also mentioned how thankful he was that I could spend so much time with him in the hospital.  He acknowledged that it couldn’t have been easy for me, but that he wanted me to know how much he appreciated it, and me, and how very much he loved me.

Then he kissed the back of my hand and sat there holding my hand.

That’s the last conversation I had with my brother.

Lee with our nephew

That night he had to be put on the ventilator.  A week later he coded and slipped into a coma.  This Monday, he had a CT scan and we were told that there was swelling in the brain due to damage and that the doctors would not be able to fix that.

It was time.

This Tuesday we gathered by his bedside.  Mom, dad, my sister, my grandmother and I.  We held his hand, kissed his head and said our goodbyes.  When we were ready, we called in the doctors and nurses and they turned off his machines and left us in peace.  We stood by and talked to him, held his hand and we cried as he passed away.

Lee transitioned peacefully to Heaven surrounded by love.  We let him know how much of a blessing he was to us, and that we were letting him go.  He didn’t take long to pass, and we all knew when it happened, you could see the peaceful expression, it was so nice that after such a trying journey, he had found peace.

Last picture of me and Lee, at the hospital

Today we have been busy making the arrangements.  Lee will be cremated and we will have a memorial service this Saturday morning.  I’ve been in contact with family and friends and have been absolutely amazed at the outpouring of love and support I have received.

Lee was well loved, and for a pain in the butt brother, he was pretty darn awesome.

Thank you all for being part of my journey with Lee.

It’s All a Matter of Perspective

Recently I’ve been working on staying off social media.  It’s a killer time waster and being Type A, I like to be productive.  So, I’ve taken to checking Facebook and Pinterest when I’m on the stationary bike.  It gives me something to focus on, and frequently I’m on there past my scheduled 30 minute time because I just want to get caught up to my feed!

Part of the bonus is that it keeps my mind sharper and engaged, because seriously, I want to get caught up to my feed, and in order to do that, I have to be able to read and process in a short amount of time!

It also has helped me notice some flaws in my Ego.

Per Dictionary.com: In psychological terms, the ego is the part of the psyche that experiences the outside world and reacts to it.

Case in point.  I ran across this gem the other day.

My immediate reaction was more on the negative side, my Ego feeling the rejection that comes from life moving and friends moving on.  “Well, he doesn’t need me anymore, he has his new friends”  which translates to “I must be lacking”.

Fortunately, just as soon as I had that thought, my next reaction was, why? Why does this have to be negative?

It immediately reminded me of a girl, she’s not been my friend the longest, but it’s probably darn near close! In the past, her life has sometimes gone off track and she has needed me.  I’ve been beneficial to her life.  And the same is true the other direction, I’ve needed her, and she has been beneficial to my life.

But right now, we aren’t a benefit to each other.  Our lives are pretty good.

Yet, she still calls, and she still reaches out, and we still get together.

And that’s when it hit me.  Her true colors are showing.  I offer no benefit to her life, except my friendship.  She loves me for me and that is all she needs.  I don’t have to be useful to her, I just get to be.

I can’t tell you how amazing it was to have that revelation, that what I immediately saw as “lacking” was in fact a message exactly the opposite.  I just needed a new perspective on things!

And this happened a few days ago, but I just couldn’t get it out of my mind, so I had to come share it with y’all! What do you think? Do you have a perspective thought or revelation to share?

My Son Loves Me

I have been challenged by Tracie at Life in the Wylde West to the Five Photos, Five Stories Challenge.  “Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo.  It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph, and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge.”

To see what I’ve posted previously, you can visit Day 1, Day 2 and Day 3 by clicking on the links!

Day 4:

My son loves me so very much.

I mean look at this picture of us, it’s clear to see how much he loves me!

He loves me so much that we even dress alike!

And we hold hands!

It’s enough love to make a momma cry!

And it’s a lie!

It’s all lies!!!

I’m not kidding, that photo is one big work of non-fiction!

Yes, we were dressed alike, but it was the day of a Cheer fundraiser, and dressing alike is pretty mandatory, all of the parents were in their cheer shirts.  It wasn’t just me.

And yes, we are smiling and holding hands – but only because he didn’t want to smile.  He was being an I’m-not-going-to-smile-in-this-picture teenager, and well, my hair looked too good for him to not smile!

So, I started tickling him.

He in turn, grabbed my hand to hold it still and his girlfriend timed it perfectly when she hit the shutter button!

Just remember this next time you see a picture on Facebook, what looks like a loving family could turn out to be a pack of lies! 🙂

Fears are Validated

I have been challenged by Tracie at Life in the Wylde West to the Five Photos, Five Stories Challenge.  “Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo.  It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph, and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge.”

I figure it’s Day 3, I should change up the opener some… but really, I have no idea what to say – but you can go visit Day 1 and Day 2 of the challenges to see how awesome of an opener I originally wrote.

Day 3:

Here is the text message where my dad discovered that my sister loves me more than she does him.

And yes, half of our text messages are like this.

What starts as an innocent “don’t let me scare you I’m coming in the house soon” devolves into “my sister loves me more than you” message.  I would like to say that this was the only time our text messages have devolved, but alas, I’d be lying!

And yes, a screen shot totally counts as a photograph.  It’s in my camera roll, so it counts!

Black Friday Used to Mean a Goodie Bag

I remember when Black Friday meant getting up at 3 am and being in line by 4 am so that you could get the goodie bag the store was giving out.  Filled will all kinds of swag to make my 19 year old heart swoon.

Similar to this!

Snow globe ornament with your logo bigger than the ornament itself? I’ll take it! So worth standing in line for.  My tree is 3′ tall – it doesn’t even have a tree stand, you fill the base with water so it doesn’t tip over and put it in a planter!

English tea? Of course I’ll take that sample! Never mind that I don’t even drink tea, it was free!

Coupons galore? Load me up, I’ve lived on cereal this past week.

A granola bar? Score!

Fast Forward 5-10 years and those goodie bags faded from existence and were replaced with MASSIVE DEALS.  Flat screen TV only $99!!!

I got mine out of the return pile, because what most people didn’t realize was, the screen WAS flat, but it was still a tube TV.  (I think that was the start of deceptive advertising!)

Fast forward another 5 years and I’ve come to realize that I love a good bargain, but I have to really, really love it in order to stand out in the cold waiting to get in the store!

A few years ago I did, with my brother Lee, because he wanted to get everyone a gift but had a very tight budget.  But let me tell you, we divided and conquered at Target and he did score some amazing deals!  Even I was impressed!

My son and nephew have wanted to experience the thrill of Black Friday, so I’ve gotten up early for them and taken them out and around.  And we stopped by 7-Eleven on the way home, had them make us a fresh pizza, and ate pizza at 5 am and went back to bed!

Breakfast of champions!

So, there are some great memories associated with Black Friday.  But, it’s not really the shopping or the deals, it’s the time spent with family.  It’s the times we walk into Kohl’s and I immediately go stand in the check out line, which is wound all the way around to the back of the store, and my mom and sister one by one bring me a cart and then fill it with their purchases, and then take my place so I can so scour the store!  (We have since learned that it’s best to hit Kohl’s after lunch, after the crowd has died down!) It’s spending time laughing with my siblings, and teaching our kids fiscal responsibility comes in all forms.

It’s also the times I get to stand up and say “Yes, I was one of the crazies in that line.  And you know what, it was pretty awesome!”

It’s also been the times that we’ve bought so much we weren’t sure if the back of mom’s car was going to close.  I think cokes and pillows were on sale that year, add in the popcorn machine, well, things were getting tight!

It’s pouring over the ads in the Thanksgiving paper while we are cooking the meal and the Littles are running around  underfoot.

It’s having a kid run up and jump in your lap and go “I want this and this and this and this” and that’s when you learn that the Toy’s R Us ad pretty much never needs to be left on top of the pile!

The Littles – both in my lap discovering the joy of seeing yourself on camera! 🙂

It’s the tossing of the ads back and forth trying to figure out what to get my grandmother.  “Do you think she’ll like this?  What about this?” and the occasional “Do we have to get her something? Didn’t we get her a gift last year?  That should cover it, right?”

No, we never really say that!

Out loud.

No one show my grandmother this post, okay?  Thanks!

So yes, I’ve been part of Black Friday madness, and I’m sure I will be again.  Having been on the retail side, I’ve had to work late the Wednesday night before setting everything up, and I’ve been up well before the sun to get to the store.  So, I’ve been there.  I needed and wanted a job, I was willing to make that sacrifice.  And I’m not here to debate the open on Thanksgiving or not issue.

Because you know what?

I’ve gone shopping on Thanksgiving Day, too.

And I have the most beautiful tree in the world to show for it!  No regrets!

Having admitted that, I’ll also admit that this was many, many years ago, back when the stores were actually still closed on Thanksgiving Day, but one retailer broke the mold that year and opened Thanksgiving Day afternoon, and my cohort, which may or may not have been my mother, told me “Move fast so the TV camera’s don’t catch us, I don’t want anyone to know I was shopping on Thanksgiving Day!”

Car Rides

Last night I picked Mr. T up from school about 6:45, once theatre rehearsal was done.  We went home and I sliced up the take-n-bake pizza I’d purchased over the weekend that we never got around to eating, and we sat down and watched the last 5 minutes of The Big Bang.

Yes, I know that you shouldn’t eat in front of the TV, I know that eating at the table with your child is the best thing for them.  But, it’s boring.  And, it’s not like that would be the only time we saw each other or we talked.  Most morning when Mr. T is done getting ready for school, he comes into my office and sits on the couch and we chat for a bit (I’m usually already working by the time he gets up).  We review our schedule, we talk about his friends and classmates, we discuss theatre and wrestling.  I almost always make him run errands with me, so he’s frequently trapped in the car with me, and we’ve had some good discussions when we’ve been trapped.  We had a discussion this Sunday, as a matter of fact.

Once he got old enough to have access to phone, text, computer, email, etc., I was very clear that as his parent, I had to make sure he was being safe and being appropriate, and as such, there is no privacy on electronic devices.  He has learned over the years that I will randomly pick up his phone and check his text messages and his pictures.  And his videos… yeah, learned that one the hard way – check the videos!! And, while I know he deletes stuff before I can see it, I haven’t told him that sometimes just hitting delete doesn’t make it go away! Take Facebook for example, when you delete a message, it doesn’t go away, it goes to your archive box.  This weekend I just happened to log onto his FB account and he had a chat session going, and he said something that made my jaw drop.  I did a screen shot and emailed a friend of mine, BA, and said “Should I be worried??? I think I should be worried!”

I won’t go into details, needless to say, at this point, I will never, ever win mother of the year… Ever!  And, after about 24 hours of obsessing over what he said, I was able to say “what has happened, has happened and what will be, will be, but thank God it turned out okay”.  Even though what he mentioned happened in the past, I felt the need to make sure he knew that I knew about it… So while trapped in the car, I brought it up.  His eyes filled with tears.  He didn’t shed any, but I could tell that he was taken aback and felt ashamed that I knew.  We have a pretty open relationship, so I asked him why he never told me about it and his response was “I thought you’d be mad or upset”.  Well, sweetie, if you think it would upset your mom, odds are you shouldn’t be doing it!!

It was discussed.  I hope that we both are in a better place because of that discussion, but only time will tell.  I love this kid, he’s pretty darn amazing.  Yes, I’m bragging on him, but the reality is that I’ve been very blessed with him. And, while the situation caught me off guard, our relationship hasn’t changed, it has just evolved.

Back to my original point.  Last night, after the 5 minutes of Big Bang, I expected T to disappear into his room.  He didn’t.  He refilled his milk glass and sat down and watched Bones with me.  I love Bones – that’s one of my all-time favorite shows!  30 minutes into the show, I’m starting to get suspicious… He hasn’t left, he hasn’t gone to the depths of his room to play Xbox.  In fact, he said it would be nice if I made him another glass of milk.  I said it would be nice if he made me some hot chocolate.  HE DID.  After an hour, Mob Doctor is coming on.  Now, this show intrigues me, but I’m not addicted to it – normally this is when I’d pick up the house or do other random things, but I was so comfy cozy with my hot chocolate.  I figured T would go to his room – I mean, the computer must be calling him, right?  NO! He sat there and asked if I watched that show.  I said, yeah, sometimes.

Another 30 minutes goes by and I can’t stand it anymore.  I pause the TV.  “T, is there something you need to tell me?” Cause at this point, I have no clue why he is spending the evening with his mom.  He made a joke, I played along, and at 9:00 pm he got up and said, “Okay, I’m going to bed.  I love you”

“Uh, yeah, Love you too – take your dog.”

The best dog in the World!!