I’m Okay

It’s Monday, I’m back at work, technically.  My boss called a bit ago and I told him that yes, I was working; however, I probably wouldn’t make it 8 hours each day.  Fortunately, he’s super cool.  He and his wife attended the memorial service Saturday, and I know it was hard on him, it’s only about the 3rd or 4th funeral he’s ever attended.

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I know that I’m grieving, but you wouldn’t know it to look at me (except for the fact that I’m sure there are bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep!).  I’m not crying, I’m not prostrate with grief.  I’m going on with my life.  I’m doing laundry.  As if the fact that my entire bathtub was full of dirty clothes wasn’t enough to tell me that I needed to do it, today I pulled out my last clean pair of underwear! I’ve also spent time cleaning the house, rearranging plants to make room for the ones that my friends and co-workers so generously sent and then more laundry.

How do my friends help me? They all want to, and I feel badly that I can’t give them something to help me with.  They’ve done a great job in making sure that I haven’t felt alone, and when I’ve needed help, I have reached out.  I think it would be easier on them if I was prostrate with grief and then there would be something tangible for them to see and help with.  But, there just isn’t.

ImageI have laundry to do.  I have a son to take care of and I have parents that I have to help as they go through this process.  I feel badly that I’m not struggling more with this, based on what society tells us, I should be more upset, I should need more help.  I’m not sure how to tell my friends, family or even you guys that I am okay.

I am okay with living my life from here on out.  I fully believe that my brother would want that for me.  I’m okay with the changes that have to be made in my life and I am okay that things will never, ever be the same.  Don’t get me wrong, it completely and totally sucks, but, I am okay with that.

Do I Pick Comfort or Joy?

I’m reading a book.  This is not uncommon.  I read a lot, but instead of the dime store novels I normally download, I downloaded a book by the author of Pay It Forward.  It is an inspirational book and a journal of the author learning to make a better life by using the life she already had.  It’s pretty cool so far.  If I was a good blogger, I’d look up her name and the title of the book for you… I’ll try and get to that before I post this for your enjoyment!

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See, I am a good blogger, I found the info for you!

Normally when I am reading a book and the author asks you to think about something “think about your journey” “think about the last time you did XX” or as was posed to me today in a blog a friend forwarded “think about the last time you did something brave”, when they ask me to think about things, I don’t.  Sometimes I don’t want to explore, sometimes I don’t care and usually, my primary goal is to just finish the book.  Like everything else in my life, I’m always competing against my own internal clock.  I want to just get everything done.  But, sigh, that’s probably another blog subject!

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At the Meatloaf concert that BA and I attended in Shreveport.

In the last chapter I read, the author was talking and asking about comfort.  This is a subject that I am familiar with.  I love my comfort zone.  I am very happy in my comfort zone. I’m also very happy in my black pajama pants.  I believe in comfort.  I believe in finding the happy place.  And, yes, I believe in my black pajama pants.

My natural state is a hermit.  I am a homebody.  Give me some coffee, food and books and you won’t hear from me for weeks.  I could give up people for weeks at a time.  I don’t like people, nothing personal, but y’all tend to drive me crazy.  It’s not you; it’s me and my issues.  The point is, I am happy in my home, wherever that might be!

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Mr. T driving the boat at our annual adventure to Grapevine Lake. We’ve gone the past couple of years with some friends and Mr. T has even gone para-sailing off this boat!

Raising a child, I had to get out a lot.  I liked it, I’m fortunate that I like spending time with Mr. T.  We did all the things that normal families with young kids do, we went to the zoo, Six Flags, the museum, local festivals, you name it, and we have done it.  I got out of the house a lot – for Mr. T.  I would go out into the world and do things and have adventures, but it was all for Mr. T.  Pretty soon all of my adventures were just for him.  As much as I love being Mr. T’s mom, I needed to be my own person, too.  It really is healthier.

The last several years I’ve worked on being a Yes Man.  Saying YES to everything I could.  Let me say, it is hard to leave the comfort zone.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listed all the reasons I should back out of plans I’ve made, or even made the list before I made the plans.  It’s going to rain, it’s going to be so hot, and I’ve had a busy week.   I’d be so much more comfortable if I stayed home.  I’d be so much more comfortable if I was snuggled up on the couch with a book.

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Annual girls camping trip. That’s always an adventure and a time to recharge the batteries. See the tie-dye cup? Guess who that belongs to… 🙂

Now I frequently leave my comfort zone.  In my head I know that I will have a good time once I get there; it’s the getting there that can be hard for me.  I focus on just one step at a time.  I can get out the door; I can make it to the car.  I CAN do this.  It does get easier, even though I still have days that are harder than others.  I’m proud to admit that it’s been years since I’ve made it to a destination just to turn around and go home because I couldn’t walk in.  In those years I’ve had marvelous adventures, made great memories and really experienced some joy.  I’ve left my comfort zone and experience joy in my life.  And, some of those adventures have been in my black pajama pants!

So, when I am asked “do you pick comfort or joy?” I am proud to say that (most of the time) I pick joy.  I get out and I live my life.  I make sure that Mr. T lives his life and has the opportunity to be a kid.  I am a better person for it, too.

Yes, the Halloween party at my house qualifies as an adventure!

Yes, the Halloween party at my house qualifies as an adventure!

I’ve included pictures in this blog of times this year that we’ve picked joy instead of comfort, I hope you enjoyed them!  So… Do you pick comfort or joy?

New Year New You

Is it wrong that I hate that phrase?  It’s a New Year and time for a New You!  Why must we confine change to once a year?  Why shouldn’t we work on ourselves all year long?  And, how many times have I said that I’m happy with who I am, only to use my next breath to tell you how I’m always looking to evolve and change as a person?

When we set a goal, it is something that we work towards; however, when we make a resolution, we just accept that we will break it.  Why do we put ourselves through this every year?

Seriously, it makes my head spin.

As one boyfriend once told me, I’m a walking contradiction.  A dear friend once told me about the same thing; however, along with it he told me that I didn’t share as much with my friends as they thought I did.  Since then I’ve shared tons with him.  I’ve shared stuff that I’m positive he wishes I hadn’t.  I’ll show him who can share!! 🙂

So, I have accepted that I am a walking contradiction.  That I am very happy with myself And that I work to evolve into a better person.  I’ve mentioned previously that my current goal (note the word “goal” and not “resolution”!) is to stop comparing myself to others.  To not give away my Joy in life by comparing MY LIFE to the lives of others.  I am where I am suppose to be.  Every thing that I have done and been through, all of the mistakes and triumphs have lead me to here.  I do not want to become stagnant, so I will continue to move forward in my life and use all of the talents and gifts that I have been granted to help others and myself.

Back to my original rant.

New Year’s Resolutions… it seems to be a vicious cycle:  Make resolution, break resolution – and we all accept it as normal!  Which, if we all accept it as normal, then I guess, technically, it is normal. Maybe it is a cleansing process, maybe we need to have this time each year to reflect.  Time to note where we want to improve.  Maybe the point of this is not the resolution itself, but the making of the resolution.  The time we take to reflect on the past and hope for the future.  I think it’s okay that we break them every year, as long as we keep moving forward, then every year, God willing, we have another opportunity to repeat the cycle.

I can live with that.  I had an interesting 2012.  It was a whirlwind jam packed with interesting moments, heartbreaking tears and wonderful adventures. (This was also the year of the incredibly spiritual experience I like to call the Meatloaf concert, it deserved a shout-out!) I can look back and be proud of who I was.  Now I can look forward to 2013 and all that it holds for me.

What about you guys?  Any good resolutions? Feel free to share them below! I’d love to see how you plan to grow as a human this year!

Happy New Year everyone! Cheers!

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My new New Year’s resolution

So, now you know all about me being a Yes Man.  And how it’s about become second nature to me.  So, that means it’s time to work on more self-improvement.  Ugh.

I’m technically going to make it my New Year’s Resolution, even though I’m not waiting until the New Year, cause hey – we all get asked that question – “did you make any resolutions?”  Why yes I did, I just implemented them months before you thought to ask me about personal growth!

I have to stop comparing myself to other parents, other women, other people in general.  I read somewhere that the fastest way to pop your own bubble of joy is to compare yourself to others (I’m paraphrasing, of course!).  It’s human nature to look around and compare yourself.  She is thinner than I am, He is funnier than I am.  I’m a way better singer than they are (okay, that one’s not true, I’m a horrible singer, but I OWN it!), my hair is prettier than theirs, they have a better house, they have a bigger house, they have more money than I do.  Wow, they spend more time with their kids than I do.

Despite what I’ve written, I’m not a very judgmental person.  I’m a big believer in “if you’re happy, then I’m happy for you” and “whatever floats your boat” because I recognize that we are all different and unique individuals, so when I tell you that I compare myself to others, I’m not judging them – I’m judging myself.  And that’s not fair.  I spend so much of my life accepting others for who they are, and forgiving them for what they do – why don’t I accept myself? Why don’t I forgive myself?  Okay, it could be any number of things and reasons why, but one day, I just decided those reasons don’t matter.  It’s not who I WAS, it’s about who I AM.

Right then and there I made a conscience effort to notice when I was comparing myself to others.

So, I’ve been making an effort, paying attention to my thoughts.  My goal is to stop the comparisons and replace it with gratitude for all that I’ve been blessed with.  It’s time to focus on all I have, and not where I feel I’m lacking.  It’s time to focus on all of the good I can do with what I have been given, it’s time to focus on the fact that I am ME, and I will never be a mom that has freshly baked cookies and milk waiting on my son when he gets home – but, thank God, that’s not the kind of mom he needs.  He needs the kind of mom that I am, the one that he knows without a doubt will be there for him. Cookies or not.

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Mr. T driving the boat on our annual day at Lake Grapevine with friends a few years ago.  🙂