I’m Okay

It’s Monday, I’m back at work, technically.  My boss called a bit ago and I told him that yes, I was working; however, I probably wouldn’t make it 8 hours each day.  Fortunately, he’s super cool.  He and his wife attended the memorial service Saturday, and I know it was hard on him, it’s only about the 3rd or 4th funeral he’s ever attended.

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I know that I’m grieving, but you wouldn’t know it to look at me (except for the fact that I’m sure there are bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep!).  I’m not crying, I’m not prostrate with grief.  I’m going on with my life.  I’m doing laundry.  As if the fact that my entire bathtub was full of dirty clothes wasn’t enough to tell me that I needed to do it, today I pulled out my last clean pair of underwear! I’ve also spent time cleaning the house, rearranging plants to make room for the ones that my friends and co-workers so generously sent and then more laundry.

How do my friends help me? They all want to, and I feel badly that I can’t give them something to help me with.  They’ve done a great job in making sure that I haven’t felt alone, and when I’ve needed help, I have reached out.  I think it would be easier on them if I was prostrate with grief and then there would be something tangible for them to see and help with.  But, there just isn’t.

ImageI have laundry to do.  I have a son to take care of and I have parents that I have to help as they go through this process.  I feel badly that I’m not struggling more with this, based on what society tells us, I should be more upset, I should need more help.  I’m not sure how to tell my friends, family or even you guys that I am okay.

I am okay with living my life from here on out.  I fully believe that my brother would want that for me.  I’m okay with the changes that have to be made in my life and I am okay that things will never, ever be the same.  Don’t get me wrong, it completely and totally sucks, but, I am okay with that.

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12 thoughts on “I’m Okay

  1. Kate, I will admit that this is the first post I have read of yours. I joined today so that I can read more! I’ve seen you promoting it on FB, but I just haven’t had a chance to check it out.

    I will tell you that from my point of view, your friends/family/coworkers…not necessarily in that order…all love you so much and you have brought such sunshine into each of our lives…we just want to be there to help you in any way that you may/may not need it.

    You may not necessarily need us to help you with the grieving process…but you may need us to help you do laundry. 😉

    You may not need us to help you continue in your day to day struggles, but maybe you need us to make you laugh or have a drink with or just to help take your mind off of everything going on by taking you shopping or going to a movie…but most importantly, just letting you know that WE are here for YOU in whatever avenue is necessary.

    I, personally, am comforted that you are grieving in Kate’s Way…society does not dictate who we as individuals are…especially those of us who know who WE are. The problem with society is that it’s trying to take over like a dictator…where is that getting us? No where!

    Continue being the Kate that we all love and know so well! I know that we don’t talk daily, but I think about you often. I love you lady!!

    April Witt

    • Ahh, Thanks April! And now that you mention it, I probably should have enlisted help with the laundry. Mainly cause I hate doing it! 🙂 I appreciate the kind words, too! We were talking about the 5 stages of grief last night at dinner, and I’m pretty sure I won’t go through all of the stages, but it’s so comforting to know that I have people there for me should I need it! I love you!

  2. I’m happy to hear you are doing so well! I’m sure some days will be better than others and that’s okay too! I am also happy to hear that you have a drawer full of undies again! A lack of undies would be enough to make anyone cry!

  3. You do what’s best for you, regardless of what anyone says. Grieve in your own way, at your own pace. Only you know how you are feeling and how to express it. Although being down to your last pair of panties tells me that you’re in great distress 😛
    Big Hugs!!

    • Hahahhaha! Yeah, I was surprised when I opened the drawer this morning! I now have a drawer full! Of course, I was in T’s room and realized both of his baskets were full, so apparently I’ll be doing yet more laundry tomorrow. Apparently when I’m busy, the laundry is the first thing to go!!
      And thanks Holly, I appreciate it!

  4. I think you’re doing a great job. Maybe part of it is you had time to process as it happened, you got to prepare as much as anyone can prepare for such a heartbreak. Know we love you and if there is something we can do we are here. 🙂

    • Man, I typed in a reply, and it was good, and then my fingers slipped and somehow I erased it. Sigh. I’ll never get that moment of brilliance back.

      I know you do, and thanks. You are probably right, the fact that we knew the day before what we were going to do and we all could be there, that had to have helped me process it.

    • I laughed when I read this, cause I’m pretty sure I’ve said something along the lines of “who cares what society says” to you before (it was a totally different context, your slow down and smell the roses post maybe?? Anyway…).
      Thanks! I appreciate it! I know that I’ll have good days and bad, but so far, I’m doing Okay! 🙂

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