I’m Okay

It’s Monday, I’m back at work, technically.  My boss called a bit ago and I told him that yes, I was working; however, I probably wouldn’t make it 8 hours each day.  Fortunately, he’s super cool.  He and his wife attended the memorial service Saturday, and I know it was hard on him, it’s only about the 3rd or 4th funeral he’s ever attended.

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I know that I’m grieving, but you wouldn’t know it to look at me (except for the fact that I’m sure there are bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep!).  I’m not crying, I’m not prostrate with grief.  I’m going on with my life.  I’m doing laundry.  As if the fact that my entire bathtub was full of dirty clothes wasn’t enough to tell me that I needed to do it, today I pulled out my last clean pair of underwear! I’ve also spent time cleaning the house, rearranging plants to make room for the ones that my friends and co-workers so generously sent and then more laundry.

How do my friends help me? They all want to, and I feel badly that I can’t give them something to help me with.  They’ve done a great job in making sure that I haven’t felt alone, and when I’ve needed help, I have reached out.  I think it would be easier on them if I was prostrate with grief and then there would be something tangible for them to see and help with.  But, there just isn’t.

ImageI have laundry to do.  I have a son to take care of and I have parents that I have to help as they go through this process.  I feel badly that I’m not struggling more with this, based on what society tells us, I should be more upset, I should need more help.  I’m not sure how to tell my friends, family or even you guys that I am okay.

I am okay with living my life from here on out.  I fully believe that my brother would want that for me.  I’m okay with the changes that have to be made in my life and I am okay that things will never, ever be the same.  Don’t get me wrong, it completely and totally sucks, but, I am okay with that.